Esther
by badassbensonx
Summary: Olivia finds her way of comforting Amanda.
1. Chapter 1

How does that saying go?

 _Love makes you do stupid things._ Oh yeah. That one.

Olivia felt like a fucking asshole for not being there for Amanda in the way she wanted to.

Olivia's heart was breaking for the younger detective, but her heart was also breaking for herself.

Olivia had learned to distance herself a long time ago from getting close again with anyone she worked with. Until Amanda became a mom. Their relationship had went from being at each other's necks, to very good friends. Olivia enjoyed the company of the other woman, and she was glad that their relationship had finally changed. She was getting too tired of the constant bickering with Amanda.

Amanda was also thankful for the change. Everyone BUT Olivia knew that she was also head over heels in love with her, which made it hard to be around her superior at times. Amanda had made a vow to herself to not fall in love with anyone she worked with, because that never ended well. Until Amanda met Olivia.

There had been a few nights here and there where Amanda was curled up next to Olivia on the couch while watching a movie after the kids had fallen asleep, but nothing more came from it. And little did Amanda know, Olivia wanted more. She practically craved it. But when she felt herself getting too close, she began to pull away from her, trying to save herself from hurt in the end.

Olivia pulled herself out the trance she was in and tried to comfort Amanda who was sitting in front of her desk, hysterical over the news she had received.

" _You fired the bullet that killed Esther LaBott."_

Is all Amanda could think about. She kept replaying those words over and over again in her head, and she felt sick. She wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. The last thing Amanda could have imagined to come out of this situation was to not have Esther dead, but it had happened, and it was something Amanda was going to have to live with.

"I'm sorry." Olivia quietly said, placing her hand on her shoulder.

She wanted to comfort her more than that, she wanted to take her into her arms.

Amanda shook her head and wiped her tears and collected herself. "I need to get out of here. Can you take Jesse for the night?" She asked, practically begging.

"Amanda... I don't think it's a good idea for you to be alone right now..." Olivia sighed, looking at the blonde.

"I'll ask Fin then." Amanda snapped back as Olivia shook her head and grabbed her arm. "I'll take her. Just promise me that you'll call me if you need anything?" Olivia was concerned for Amanda's mental health. She knew the toll this was going to take on her, and she needed to be there for her.

"I'll have my sitter drop her off when you're home." And with that, Amanda grabbed her things and left.

Olivia sat back down at her desk and rubbed her face. There wasn't much Olivia could do at this point except pray. Pray that Amanda wasn't going to do anything stupid, and pray that Olivia could help her through this.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been two weeks since Amanda's breakdown in her office, and that had also meant that it had been two weeks that Amanda had really spoken to Olivia. Of course she talked to her, but she kept to herself for the most part.

Amanda had really felt like she lost a part of herself with shooting Esther, and she was still having a hard time understanding how to cope. Olivia had offered to talk her through whatever she needed to, but Amanda kept pushing her away.

It was late and Olivia had sent everyone home early that day. It had been quiet and they had been working their asses off so she knew they needed it. Everyone had left except for Amanda. She kept going over the ballistics, not wanting to believe still that her bullet had been lodged into her skull.

"Amanda." Olivia had said a little surprised that Amanda was still sitting at her desk.

"Yeah." She didn't pull her eyes from the file.

Olivia walked over to her desk and closed the manila folder. "Walk me out." It was more of an order than a question.

Amanda looked up at Olivia with sad eyes. She was still hurting, bad. And she knew that Olivia was trying the best she could to be there for her, but she didn't know how to let Olivia in.

The blonde stood up and grabbed her coat and bag and turned off the desk light before looking at Olivia and following her to the elevator. "Do you want to grab a drink?" Olivia asked.

Amanda shrugged and looked at the time. "I have the sitter for another hour. I could use one." Amanda smiled a little, and that smile made Olivia's heart beat faster. Her smile was something that Olivia loved about her.

"My treat, then." Olivia smiled and stepped off the elevator and headed down the block to their usual location.

They grabbed a quiet table in the back and ordered their drinks and sat in silence for a moment before Amanda decided to talk.

"Look Liv... I'm really sorry... I know you've been trying, and I need you to know that means a lot to me." Amanda admitted.

Olivia listened to her and couldn't help but let a small smile form. "I know what you're going through, Amanda, and I've been worried." She frowned and reached across the table to grab her hand.

Amanda squeezed her hand and looked at her. "You've been so good to me, Amanda, I need to be there for you now. You've been my crying shoulder, and I don't want you to be alone anymore." Olivia softly said as Amanda's eyes met Olivia's.

"I have Jesse." Amanda laughed a little and sipped on her drink.

"That's not what I meant." Olivia looked at her.

Amanda raised her brow in confusion. Of course she knew exactly what Olivia meant, but Amanda didn't want to give too much of her own feelings away. She wasn't sure up until this moment that Olivia had feelings for her, but Amanda couldn't let her know that she was practically in love with her.

"These last two weeks have been hell, Amanda. I've been so worried that you shutting us all out was going to end badly." Olivia sighed and took a long sip of her bourbon. It burned, but she needed a little liquid courage to say what she was about to.

Amanda watched her, she listened to her and nodded.

"I appreciate you trying to look out for me, Olivia." She spoke. "I'm sorry I've been pushing you away.. I just.. Losing Esther like that.. It fucking killed me." Amanda sighed and finished off her drink. "But I'm glad I have you."

Olivia smiled and bit her lip gently. She got down from the bar stool and took the step over to Amanda's chair.

"What are you doing?" Amanda raised her brow confused.

Olivia just smiled, her eyes a little glossy from the alcohol. Olivia also knew better than to do what she was going to do, but in the moment, she needed this. She placed her hand on Amanda's cheek then ran her fingers through her hair. She gently pulled Amanda's head towards her and kissed her lips.

Amanda was in shock that she was actually kissing Olivia, but she wasn't going to stop her.

The kiss lasted for what felt like forever, and neither of them wanted it to end. "Wow." Amanda laughed softly, her lips were still tingling from the kiss.

"You're the one I want, Amanda." Olivia admitted, kissing the blonde once more.

"And you have no idea how long I've been waiting for you to say that." Amanda smiled, kissing her back.


End file.
